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Alright, back to the writing grind, so to speak.  I'm really beating myself up over not being able to write lately, due to my new job, and obsessing over bills and payments.  I don't like to sacrifice my writing for anything, but whe I must, I must.

I keep looking at my life, and the lives of those around me lately.  Most of the people I know are either married, married with kids, or single, but have their careers/lives off to a good start.  I keep wondering, where did I go wrong?  Is it so bad to have a normal life?

Then I answer myself, I didn't go wrong, and no, it's not bad.............for them.  I dont' know if I could do it that way.  My life isn't normal, and probably never will be.  I like things in excess, to extreme.  Either I want it moving at a million miles a second, or at a dead stop, to catch my breath.

The way I see it, yes, I may have had more jobs in the last 5 years than most have their whole lives.  Yes, I may be a pain in the @ss to live with.  Yes, I obsess and I worry a little too much.  Yes, my viewpoints on organized religion and society may be a little on the warped side (and if you're really lucky, maybe next entry I'll ramble on about that for a while).  But what the hell, right?  I'd rather be a walking contradiction my whole life than have someone look at me on my death bed, asking me if I enjoyed it, and not being able to answer.  That would be the worst to me.  If I could say no, then it would be a finale, closure.  If I could say yes, same thing.  But not being able to answer, and to question it, would haunt me for eternity.

I was asked, recently, why I can't seem to settle down with someone, get a good job, and start a family.  Well, I would really love to, and I feel that I'm ready to, but I just can't find it in myself to do it.  I've tried the marriage thing before, and that went to sh!t.  I don't want to rush right in where angels fear to tread.  I want to know that I'm with the right person this time.  Someone that is willing to put up with me, and that only expects me to put up with them.  Love is something that's a little out of my grasp, at the moment, so I won't even touch on that.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want perfection.  I'm not an idiot.  I want a relationship with some fights, some disagreements, and sometimes just having to agree to disagree, although it's known that the subject will probably be brought up again.  That's what communication is all about, isn't it?  Conversing about absolutely everything, with no expectation of an end?  Expecting something to change from a discussion is an argument, as far as I know.  I like to argue, and everyone I know knows this about me.  But that's not all there is to me.  I'm not a stamped out, assembly line produced imprint, that is only one way all the time.

Since when did getting married, having 2.5 kids, a dog named spot, and a white-picket fence become a moral obligation?  I understand the fact that it's a norm, and most people want that.   It just may not be for me.  Hell, I've tried again and again, and no one can seem to put up with me for long enough to find out, so maybe this is where my ideas come from.

I apologize, dear friend, for my ramblings.  Although depressing, it's nice just to get it out, and have you listen.  As my journal, you've been listening to it for a while now, though, so what's one more, right?  lol

I know I'm depressed and cynical, and perhaps even sarcastic at times.  Maybe it's all the sexual frustration.  I swear I get a hardon every time the wind blows right.  To quote the movie "Good Morning, Vietnam", 

I am 'in more dire need of a blow job than any man in history.'

LoL.....Man, I really love that line.
 

As always,

Life is in the air.........