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Ugh, too much to say, and not enough time to write it all!  This time, it's all about one person, though.  Sorry there are no long philosophical words of encouragement today!

Annie and I had a talk this evening.  Apparently, she had said some things about me to Mike, and they really offended me.  I felt that I should confront the situation, and just let her know how it made me feel.  Well, as you can probably guess, this started a fight.

During the course of this, it was the usual.  We'd actually talk for a while, and then we'd fight for a while.  She feels that she should be able to talk to anyone she chooses, about anything she chooses.  I, on the other hand, can't discuss anything involving her, to anyone.  This causes problems, because then I can't unload on any of my friends, and end up dumping it all right on her.  This does not improve the friendship, but what else could I do?  I get pushed to my limit, and I explode, usually in anger.

We argued for a while, and she said that she wasn't able to be my friend anymore, and it's like I told her, I'm not going to loose sleep over it, but I don't like the situation that way, either.  She ended up talking to Mike for a while, and she basically let me know, before she hung up, that I could call her when I got home, so we could talk.

This started a long conversation with Mike, in which, he again brought up the issue of honesty.  More to the point, that she wasn't being honest with me about a few things (not just secrets, lies).  Mike stressed the fact that, in the words only he can say best, 'The truth shall set you free.'  He wanted me to let her know that, no matter what happened, he was going to continue being honest and forthcoming with both her and I.

I did call her, and she continued to barrage me with this attitude from hell.  Mike and I had that long talk before I left, in which he gave me some very good advice.  I kept calm, and never let any of the nasty things she'd say distract me from the truth of the situation.  It didn't do a whole lot, however, since she was determined to try to upset me no matter what I said or did.  It didn't work, though.

During our talk, I brought up that I think I should move on with my life.  I would always be open to trying a relationship again, and made that abundantly clear.  I can't, however, wait around twiddling my thumbs.  She then stated that she wouldn't be able to be my friend, this time because she couldn't handle it if I started dating.  This puzzled me, because she feels that she has every right to date whomever she chooses.  She can give me no assurances that there would ever BE a chance, but that I should wait any ways.  I asked her, "So, basically you want me to wait around for you, knowing that you may never come back to me."  She said yes, and from that point on, I was at a loss.

How can anyone, with any amount of respect for a friend, or caring, for that matter, even ask such a thing?  Is it just me, or am I being played like a pawn in a chess game?

I almost get the impression that she feels this need to compete with everyone around her, due to her own insecurity.  It's almost as if she's saying, "Hey, I haven't found anyone yet, so could you wait until I do, just so I don't feel like there's something wrong with me?"  Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't shake that feeling.

I'm getting to the point to where I don't know what to expect from her from one day to the next.  Is she going to need me as a friend today, or is she going to rub some new 'man' of hers into my face?  This back and forth constantly is driving me insane, and I don't know quite what to do about it.

Well, to bring this 'story' to a close, the conversation ended with her telling me that she wasn't sure if she still wanted to remain friends or not.  Granted, a lot of what I've said is my own viewpoint, and I don't want anyone to hold a biased opinion of her because of our situation.

All I know for FACTS are these:

1) Annie is dating, and doesn't want me to date.
2) Annie will self-destruct our friendship if I do.
3) There may not BE a friendship to destroy.
4) This is NOT how I wanted to spend my birthday (which is Jan 13th, the big 24)
5) No matter what, Mike will still be honest with me, and remain that which I respect about him, no matter what happens.

Throughout all this, it's made me question what is important to me in a friendship.  I've come up with honesty, loyalty, respect, and understanding.  It's what I find a common thread amongst all of the friends I have had for any decent length of time, and I find myself asking, "What is it about her that makes me not expect these same things from our friendship?"  I wouldn't let anyone else in my life hurt me like this.  Should I expect them?  Or should I let them slide with her because of my feelings for her?  If I let go, will she make it a point to make my life a living hell?  If she does, should I show her exactly what hell's like?  These are all questions floating around in my head right now.  I only have 3 possibilities that I would like to have happen.  1) That this whole mess is put behind us, and we continue to be friends, but for her to let go of me and our relationship.  2) For us to have another chance at a relationship, sometime in the future.  3) For her to drop the bomb on me, and get it over with, and get out of my life.

I guess I know what I really want.........closure.  I want to walk away from all this turmoil, with something resolved, and not in a jumbled mess all the time.

Life is in the air.........